We hear it everywhere:

It sounds beautiful. And in its purest form, it is.

But what happens when sisterhood isn’t safe? What happens when that support is just a performance—laced with envy, subtle power plays, and the kind of manipulation that leaves you questioning your reality?

I grew up believing the best in everyone. Naivety wasn’t a flaw, it was my default. It never occurred to me that harm could come from the very women I called friends – but it did. The uncomfortable truth: some of the women who hurt us the most are the ones who know exactly where to aim. They’ve studied our vulnerabilities under the guise of sisterhood, mapped our insecurities through late-night conversations, and weaponized our trust against us.

Unfortunately, the statistics are sobering—countless women have been harmed, betrayed, even lost their lives, by the very “sisters” they trusted most.

That’s what we’re unpacking today.

Sisterhood here refers to the connection between siblings, friends, and groups of women who claim to have your back… until they don’t.

The Science Behind Female Competition

According to Tracy Vaillancourt, psychology professor at the University of Ottawa: “Women do compete, and they can compete quite fiercely with one another. The form it typically takes is indirect aggression, because it has a low cost: The person making the attack doesn’t get injured. Oftentimes, the person’s motives aren’t detected, and yet it still inflicts harm.”

Translation? They know how to cause damage without ever raising their voice—or suspicion.

The Jealousy Engine: What Really Drives Toxic Sisterhood

Let’s be brutally honest: jealousy is the rocket fuel powering most toxic female dynamics. But it’s not always what you think.

The Beautiful Woman’s Curse

The worst thing a beautiful woman can be is nice. When people notice a beautiful woman is sweet and too emotionally accessible, their jealousy triggers because here’s someone who seems physically ‘superior’ but doesn’t seem to know their worth. Since they can’t take your physical beauty, the next best thing is to humble you by destroying your confidence or self-esteem. In that way, they can feel ‘superior’.

But it’s not just physical beauty.

The Authenticity Threat

They may not be jealous of your success—they’re jealous of your authenticity. Your willingness to be vulnerable. Your ability to take up space without apology. The way other people are drawn to your energy.

You carry a light that is uniquely yours, and that might very well trigger others to jealousy.

Unfortunately, mean girls exist past high school. They’re in every group where you find women—even church groups. They have friends and social circles, which gives them cover and credibility.

Sometimes the envy is silent, lurking beneath smiles and supportive words, other times it slips out in conversation that is meant to cut. Here’s one story that still lingers with me. Excerpt from my book Blossoming:

A Story That Will Break Your Heart

There was a young lady who had become engaged to be married, and a celebratory brunch had been held. During the brunch, one of her friends mentioned that it was “an amazing thing that this lady of all people was getting married before the others.” That comment was met with agreement and much laughter.

At first, this seems like almost normal conversation between friends—if a friend loves her single life and isn’t shy about it, this would have been a funny comment and she would have been in on the ‘joke.’ However, this was not the case here.

The engaged lady, in her own words, was considered the ‘ugly duckling’ of the group, and for as long as she could remember, she had been the butt of many jokes in the friendship. She had never stood up for herself, but on this occasion, they had gone too far, and she was done. She left the brunch in tears and never contacted the ‘friends’ ever again.

How much abuse had she taken all that time? It’s truly heartbreaking. What I applaud her for is finally recognizing that the dynamic she had with her ‘friends’ was abusive. Even though she didn’t ‘call them out,’ the act of distance was clear enough.

Sound familiar? This isn’t just about new friendships either.

The Long Game of Betrayal

Jealousy can be aroused at any time. A longtime friend or sister can suddenly turn jealous. The only way to truly protect yourself is to judge everyone based on their actions, regardless of how long you’ve known them, and edit their access to your inner self accordingly.

Red Flags Hidden in Plain Sight

Here’s something most people get wrong: they associate charm with genuineness. Unfortunately, this is far from the truth. Normal people typically have some level of awkwardness, even the highly socialized ones.

The super charismatic ones are the ones to watch. This is usually a performative self—like an actor, they know what to do when it’s time for “action.”

The Manipulator’s Playbook

The most dangerous manipulators aren’t the obvious ones. They’re the women who:

• Always have drama but are never the problem (according to them)
• Offer unsolicited advice about your relationships, career, or life choices
• Create urgency around their needs while dismissing yours
• Use your secrets as social currency or weapons later
• Position themselves as the authority on what “real women” do
• Guilt you with phrases like “I thought we were closer than this” when you set boundaries

As Machiavelli noted: “Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel.” They’ve mastered the art of looking supportive while feeling predatory.

The Ultimate Warning Sign

The last and most important cue: if you feel like you’re walking on eggshells in any relationship—RUN.

Your nervous system knows when you’re not emotionally safe, even if you can’t put your finger on why.

The Protection Protocol: How to Guard Your Energy

So how do you navigate this minefield without becoming paranoid or cynical about all female friendships?

1. Trust Your Gut Over Their Gold

If something feels off, it probably is. Your intuition picks up on micro-expressions and energy shifts that your rational mind hasn’t processed yet. Quiet moments and regular journaling can bring to light cues you might have missed that your subconscious picked up on.

2. Watch Their Other Relationships

How do they talk about women who aren’t present? How do they handle conflict with others? This is your preview of coming attractions.

Career tip turned life advice: If you want to know the truth, don’t ask—observe. If you want to know about a new working environment, asking will usually only get you superficial answers. Look at the body language of employees when they interact with the manager—this will give you all the answers you need. Same applies to friends: watch how they interact with others and what everyone’s body language reveals.

3. Maintain Your Own Power Base

Never make one woman your only source of female friendship or validation. Diversify your connections. Even if you only have one friend, maintain emotional sovereignty. Never reveal all your secrets or vulnerabilities. It’s said that most haters are usually former friends.

Diversify your emotional needs and rely mostly on yourself.

4. Set Boundaries Early

Real women respect boundaries. Manipulators test them, push them, or guilt you about having them. If you’re used to people-pleasing and have a hard time setting boundaries (like I was), learning to discover your values, set boundaries, and enforce them becomes crucial for your protection. Get started here.

5. Document Patterns

Keep track of how you feel after spending time with them. Emotional exhaustion after “supportive” conversations is a red flag. How many times have they “accidentally” embarrassed you or others in public by casually revealing personal details?

Emotions are easy to hijack and manipulate. Data, however, never lies.

Patterns emerge from data, so when in doubt, always follow the patterns. Patterns revealing deception or abuse will be clear and cannot be explained away every time.

The journey to authentic self-sovereignty often requires us to face uncomfortable truths about the people we’ve allowed into our inner circle. Learning to identify and navigate these dynamics isn’t just about protecting yourself—it’s about reclaiming your power and becoming truly sovereign in your relationships.

Reclaiming True Sisterhood: It Starts With You

The Foundation: Shadow Work

If you haven’t done the shadow work, you won’t be able to trust your intuition—it’ll be drowned out by old wounds. Massive red flags could be waving in your face, but you’ll miss them every time.

True becoming starts with digging up your shadows, sitting with them, and learning what they came to teach. That’s why I wrote Blossoming—a guide for doing this essential work.

When you are self-aware, you can trust yourself and your decisions. You can set your values and boundaries and are perfectly okay with enforcing them because you know the other side of being a doormat, a people-pleaser, and the amount of work you’ve done to heal and come to terms with your past.

The Mirror Test

If you find yourself constantly entertaining toxic relationships, it’s time to look within. In dating, it’s said all women attract both good and bad men, but the women who know their standards won’t entertain the latter.

The proof is in what you’re still entertaining—the friendships that put you down, have you acting small, or abuse you in any way. That’s proof you have internal work to do.

Respect yourself, and others have no option but to do the same.

The Bottom Line: Trust the Tension

Real sisterhood is powerful, but unfortunately, toxic women love hiding under the guise of sisterhood—where there’s protection and endless victims. Most of these toxic women are covert narcissists, known to be charismatic and often the epicenter of female groups, giving them social capital—influence disguised as likability.

Knowledge protects you from being a victim to these women who are really wolves in sheep’s clothing. When you become aware, you are no longer easy prey.

The most powerful thing you can do is stop being naive about female manipulation while refusing to become cynical about female friendship. Some women will use sisterhood as a weapon. Others will use it as a bridge to genuine connection.

Your job isn’t to fix the broken ones or expose the manipulative ones. Your job is to recognize the difference and act accordingly.

As Robert Greene reminds us: “The best way to protect yourself from dangerous people is to understand how they think and what motivates them.”

Consider this your field guide to the dark side of sisterhood. Use it wisely.

Have you ever experienced this kind of hidden toxicity in a friendship or “sisterhood”? What did it teach you about yourself—or about others?

Share your story below. Your voice might be the one someone else needs to hear today.