Why Self-Love Doesn’t Stick (And How to Make It Last)

My first tarot reading was scheduled a month in advance.

She was a French reader – well respected and experienced.

Excited is an understatement. I knew a few French words so I was confident this would be a great reading.

The reading was 45 minutes long over Zoom. Expectantly, I watched as she shuffled the cards and laid them out in a pattern.

Each time she laid a card down she would mutter an ‘ah-ha.’

It was as if the cards were speaking to her in some coded language.

Trying to decipher the meaning of the ‘ah-ha’, I would look at the images on the cards. They didn’t seem very promising and I was concerned.

Was she a charlatan? Lips pursed, I watched.

Some of the images seemed ominous. On one card there were people jumping out of a burning building. This card I came to find out is called “The Tower,” meaning foundations crumbling—a powerful card in tarot.

Whatever. At that time I just couldn’t shake the dreaded feeling. Why was that card there? I’d find out soon enough.

The reading was not what I had wanted to hear. It was disappointing, and I was ready to call her a fraud. But over time the wisdom of the reading would make sense.

The specifics are lost on exactly what was said in that 45 minutes. However, the message was clear, along with the final pointed advice:

You need to work on self-love.

Little did I know, this simple advice would send me down a many years-long rabbit hole of failed self-love attempts. It took years before I finally cracked the code.

This began my official self-love journey into what this actually was.

Why Self-Love Feels So Hard (And What Most People Get Wrong)

Before then I wasn’t too sure I had ever considered what self-love was.

I had been doing some healing on my own, but self-love seemed to be a new concept.

This began my official journey into what this self-love actually was.

I consumed all the articles I could find:

Christian articles told me – God loves me so I should love myself but… what would that look like?

Women’s articles advised “10 steps to love yourself” – providing ample tips on self-care, which I was already doing: the journaling, bubble baths, spa treatments. But why was I feeling emptier than ever? Where was this self-love supposed to come from and how was I supposed to know when I finally had it?

Why Self-Love Affirmations Stop Working After a Few Weeks

Then entered the affirmations that promised emotional wellness and the love I so desired. The warm feelings within only lasted so long. After that, the same void feeling was back.

This led to a multitude of spiritual practices and energy work I did. I now know no amount of sage burning or rituals can create true inner healing. You have to go back within yourself.

Why Shadow Work Alone Won’t Give You Lasting Self-Love

After came the shadow work portion which life experiences pushed me into. It was brutal, heavy work. Did I feel that elusive self-love? I was angrier than before. It dawned on me that shadow work was just one piece of a larger puzzle.

I was lost and I knew it.

The tarot reader was right. But just like a sage, she had given me just enough, never really solving the puzzle. That was for me to do.

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Where Self-Love Practices Go Wrong: The Heart vs. Mind Issue

Love, whether of self or other, is a heart issue.

And many of these practices deal with it as a mind issue.

Think of a time you were romantically matched with someone who “looked good on paper,” and by all means you should be a great couple. But it just couldn’t work. The heart was not in it.

Why Self-Love Isn’t a Mental Issue

Self-love is not a mental issue. It is not a ‘doing’ issue. you know you should love yourself but no amount of affirmations actually work. Neither do bubble baths or rituals.

It has to come from deep inside. It is a spiritual issue — a ‘being’ issue.

So what gives?

What I realized now: I was trying to eat a cupcake which only had the icing: the cake was missing.

The tactics which promised self-love were just that: the icing.

Like the icing which is easy to whip up, we like things fast and easy. But those things rarely give us any healing or satisfaction.

This is exactly why self-love doesn’t stick for most people; they’re missing the foundation that makes it last.

To that analogy – self-love can only be enjoyed as a whole, cake and icing. After years of searching, I finally cracked the code that most self-help advice misses entirely—and it changed everything.

The Missing Foundation: Why Self-Acceptance Comes Before Self-Love

So what is this cake that makes up self-love?

In all my searching it comes down to one thing — self-acceptance.

Not just in a shadow work journal, but lived everyday in every experience until it becomes a way of being.

Through my journey, I discovered there’s a specific progression of steps. Self-acceptance is just one of them, that create lasting self-love. Not the typical self-love tips that don’t actually work, but a deep spiritual process that actually works. I break down each stage and how to navigate them in ‘Blossoming’.

Why Self-Acceptance Is the Key to Lasting Self-Love

Self-acceptance allows you to see yourself as you are, flaws included. And with that acceptance the dissonance between the mask that we wear and who we are is resolved internally.

You Cannot Love What You Do Not Know

You cannot love what you do not know — that is infatuation and it does not last.

Most of us avoid the shadows we carry. We want to appear confident, bubbly, and happy to others. So we hide our wounds—usually from childhood—that attack our self-worth. These wounds remind us that we failed, were bullied, or were rejected. We keep them hidden because they go against the image we show the world.

How Self-Acceptance Creates Inner Coherence

Self-acceptance comes from shadow work. It looks at these wounds and acknowledges that yes, hurtful things did happen. But they are experiences, not who you are.

Through self-acceptance, we can calm the raging emotions of these hurtful incidents with understanding. We don’t just extract wisdom from them. We also forgive ourselves with self-compassion

Once you stop hiding that version of you that you consider ‘weak,’ your mind can begin trusting you. It knows what you are projecting—an accepted person. It also knows who you really are. These two are now in coherence.

There is a freedom in not hiding (from yourself). You accept yourself fully within and from there the path to self-love becomes clear.

Self-acceptance is not a ‘doing’ issue either, it is not mental. That is why it is crucial to go through all the steps sequentially to drop into real self-acceptance. Miss one step, and you’ll stay stuck in the cycle.

How to Know If Your Self-Love Is Real (Signs It’s Finally Sticking)

So how do you know if you truly love yourself?

In ‘Blossoming’, I share the unmistakable signs I’ve experienced. These include an unshakeable sense of inner authority and a completely transformed inner voice – among others. These aren’t things you have to convince yourself of; just like romantic love, when real self-love arrives, you’ll know.

The women (and men) who’ve read ‘Blossoming’ tell me it’s the guide they wish they’d had from the beginning. I go much deeper in the book, sharing my complete story and how these steps came together

Conclusion: Self-Love as a Lifelong Journey

Self-love is a journey, just like love with another person. You have to keep it alive by constantly pouring into yourself, forgiving yourself and protecting yourself. It’s not a destination you reach once and stay at forever. It’s an ongoing practice that deepens and evolves as you do.

If you’ve never felt true self-love before, know that it’s absolutely possible. No matter where you’re starting from or what you’ve been through.

We come from the Divine source that is Love, we already are Love and inherently worthy. True self-love is a return to that ‘beingness’ and remembering our self-worth

Remember that there will be setbacks and days when self-love feels distant. This is part of the human experience, not a sign of failure.

Each time you choose to return to yourself with self-compassion, you’re strengthening this most important relationship of your life.

The journey toward self-love is ultimately a journey home to yourself—and that journey is always worth taking.

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‘Blossoming’ is the guide I wish I had when that tarot reader told me, “You need to love yourself.” It’s not just theory. It’s the exact process I used to go from empty affirmations to real, lasting self-love.
Whether you’re brand new to this journey or you’ve tried everything, This is where you begin.

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