For as long as I can remember, I’ve been inquisitive. My dad called me “Why” because that was my constant question—why? Now I’ve added something more practical to my arsenal: How? Because understanding why something matters is only half the equation—knowing how to actually do it is what changes everything
We’re often handed feel-good advice like ‘just let it go’ or ‘think positive’—but in the middle of real heartbreak, HOW? That’s always been my mission: to uncover the how, not just superfluous advice meant to be uplifting but lacking any real substance.
Why Does Forgiveness Feel Impossible (and How Do You Begin Anyway?)
The issue of forgiveness became a major sore spot for me. I knew my heart was cold and unforgiving, and for the longest time, I mentally went through the steps of forgiving—even praying for the people who hurt me—but it was all for naught.
My searching began because I recognized that unforgiveness was driving me into bitterness and ruining opportunities. Still, I couldn’t figure out how to truly forgive.
The Bible was my constant companion during those dark times. Sermons played continuously in my playlist. I devoured articles and books, but nothing really told me how to go about the actual process of forgiveness. I even performed forgiveness rituals—writing letters of release, burning them under full moons and new moons, trying anything and everything I could think of.
The unforgiveness remained, stronger than ever. I knew mentally I had “forgiven,” but my heart couldn’t agree.
“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” Proverbs 4:23
You can convince your mind of anything—but the heart holds your subconscious truth, and from it flows the energy that shapes your reality. It cannot be fooled. Every feeling you carry, every frequency you emit, every experience you magnetize stems from what lives in your heart. It will always reveal what your mind refuses to acknowledge.
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What Happens When You Stop Trying to Forgive Too Soon?
In a moment of despair, I threw my hands up and got real. I remember pulling out my journal, where I’d been doing all my shadow work—and angrily pouring my heart out. I’d done this before, but this time, instead of writing that I was forgiving, I wrote that I was hurt, angry, bitter, and not ready to forgive. – “Phuck em!!!”
Instead of feeling discouraged that my forgiveness journey had gone nowhere, I was surprised by how freeing this felt. I was angry, and instead of placating myself, I gave myself room to be a raging angry person in my diary—without any stipulation that I had to forgive. I was liberated!
With that illumination, I temporarily stepped outside the expectations of my Christian faith—which teaches us to forgive repeatedly—and admitted that I wasn’t ready. I had suffered deep injustices and wasn’t willing to forgive. And for the first time, I felt no shame about that. I gave myself permission to grieve fully, without rushing to offer grace to others. In fact I was okay with not ever forgiving (them).
Even though I knew forgiveness was powerful, I realized the problem with most messaging around it: it rushes you. It demands that you release others before you’ve even had a chance to hold yourself. That pressure makes the heart rebel—it hasn’t been given room to hurt, to breathe, to decide for itself. In my case, forgiveness did come—but only after I removed the pressure. The turning point was choosing to forgive myself first, and only myself without any obligation to forgive anyone else.
That’s where real healing began.
How to Forgive Yourself First (Even If You’ve Done Nothing Wrong)
Forgiveness is freeing because it releases the heavy energy trapped inside the person doing the forgiving. Since I wasn’t ready to forgive anyone else, I started with myself—even if I hadn’t done anything wrong, I gave myself grace. I forgave myself for:
- Being taken advantage of
- Being naive
- The hurt I was feeling
- Being hard on myself when I needed compassion
And much more. The decision to deal only with myself was pivotal in my forgiveness journey.
Forgiveness and the Lessons Hidden in Pain
Life is both a mirror and a teacher. Some of the most painful experiences—especially from childhood—carried the very lessons I needed. I forgave myself for what happened back then. Not because I was ever to blame, but because those younger versions of me deserved to be seen, held, and freed.
How to Start Forgiving Yourself: A Gentle, Step-by-Step Process
There was no rush. I forgave myself in layers—week by week, memory by memory. I wrote to my younger self, reminded her she was safe now, and promised to protect her moving forward. She could finally rest.
This process was twofold. In some cases, understanding the experiences helped me take gentle accountability where it was needed—just enough to extract the wisdom without spiraling into self-blame. And once the lesson became clear, I could finally release the hurt that had been quietly weighing me down.
It was deeply personal, and there’s so much more to it than I can fit here. In Blossoming, I walk through the full journey of forgiveness, including the methods I used to process, release, and begin again. If this resonated, you’ll find even deeper guidance in the book.
What I Learned About Myself Through Forgiveness
There is no one to forgive but myself. In the end, it was never about them. Once I forgave and liberated myself, everything else lost its grip. The people, the memories, even the triggers—none of it held emotional weight anymore. I had set myself free in a way no one else could.
Why Is Forgiveness So Important for Healing and Growth?
We all have lessons to learn in our lifetimes. Failing to master a lesson makes it keep repeating in different forms. The last thing you want is to attract another similar lesson—at least that was my thinking. But here’s why forgiveness is absolutely essential:
Holding onto anger and resentment is like carrying a 50-pound backpack everywhere you go. It’s exhausting, it slows you down, it takes up energy you could be using for better things and it keeps you stuck in a loop of negative patterns.
Gratitude opens doors but a lack of forgiveness can slam them shut
Forgiveness and gratitude go hand-in-hand. If you’re struggling to shift out of resentment, you might also enjoy this post on how to access real gratitude when life feels heavy.
How Unforgiveness Drains Your Energy—Mentally, Emotionally, and Physically
Mental Energy: Your brain keeps replaying the hurt, analyzing what happened, imagining confrontations. That’s mental bandwidth stolen from creativity, problem-solving, and growth. I cannot tell you how much I was in constant rumination, thinking of revenge, and replaying how hurt I had been. All of this is a total waste of energy.
So much of unforgiveness lives in our thoughts. If you often catch yourself replaying past pain on loop, this post on overthinking and how to calm mental chaos might be exactly what you need.
Emotional Energy: Anger, resentment, and hurt are heavy emotions. They create tension in your body and drain your emotional reserves. These negative emotions left unchecked lead to hate – one of the more potent negative emotions that suck the life force out of someone.
Physical Energy: Holding grudges literally creates stress in your body—tight shoulders, clenched jaw, disrupted sleep. Your nervous system stays in fight-or-flight mode. There were many nights I couldn’t sleep, constantly ruminating about past hurts.
When you hold onto anger, resentment, or betrayal, you’re not just thinking about what happened—you’re carrying the energy of it. That energy has weight, and it creates static in your system.
You might feel:
- Drained, heavy, or emotionally foggy
- Easily triggered by small things
- Stuck in the same thought loops or patterns
What Forgiveness Really Does (Energetically + Emotionally)
The universe is all energy. Great minds seem to agree on this—from ancient Eastern mystics to genius physicists. When you carry any vibration of anger or joy, you emit a frequency that calls in similar experiences. You may not consciously think you’re emitting negative frequencies, but if in your quiet moments your mind keeps looping to the past (which is proof you carry unforgiveness), you will attract more of the same in your present moment.
You must break free.
The unforgiveness keeps you energetically caged in exactly what you don’t want: more anger, more resentment, more hurt.
FORGIVENESS = ENERGY RELEASE
It’s not about them—it’s about YOU getting your power back.
When you forgive (yourself), you:
- Reclaim the energy you were spending on resentment
- Free up space for joy, creativity, and new experiences
- Break the invisible cord that keeps you tied to negative energies
Think of it like unplugging from an energy-draining device. The moment you let go, that power flows back to you.
Emotional energy is the most expensive energy you have. You cannot afford to waste it on the past.
How Unforgiveness Blocks Manifestation (and What to Do About It)
When you think about a past hurt, whatever emotions you experienced at that time come flooding back to your body. You physically feel anxious, angry, sometimes even sick to your stomach. If thoughts can affect you that much physically, imagine how much they’re affecting your emotional body. Feelings of shame and anger fall at the bottom of the emotional scale.
If you’re having issues manifesting, this could be another reason: these emotions confuse your vibrations. While you’re trying to attract joyful experiences, you’re vibrating in anger. This confuses the frequencies, and the joyful experiences seem just out of reach.
Forgiveness is one of the most potent forms of inner alchemy — it’s the transmutation of emotional heaviness (anger, resentment, shame) into lightness (freedom, peace, clarity).
The Final Truth About Forgiveness: You’re Not Doing It for Them
Forgiveness is hard—whichever way you can forgive, do it. This was my method, and it worked wonderfully.
Remember: You’re not forgiving for them. You’re forgiving for YOU. You’re reclaiming your power, your energy, and your peace. You’re breaking free from the invisible prison of past hurts and stepping into the freedom that has always been your birthright.
The path to forgiveness isn’t always what we expect. Sometimes it starts with giving ourselves permission to feel what we actually feel, rather than what we think we should feel. Sometimes the greatest act of forgiveness is the one we offer to ourselves.
Your liberation is waiting.
The key has always been in your hands.
If you want to go deeper, see Blossoming—I dedicate a whole chapter to the layered, messy journey of forgiveness.
💫 Related Reads
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Toxic Sisterhood – The truth about female friendships
Overthinking? How to Make Your Mind Your Ally – Alchemy starts here -
Growth is Quiet: How to Make Silence Work for You – Learn why the most powerful transformation happens in stillness.
Share this with someone who’s struggling to forgive themselves—or holding on to something that’s quietly weighing them down. You never know what could set someone free.
